I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
