Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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