I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
