I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
