I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
