so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
