That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
