Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drake has all the answers
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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