highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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