ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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