btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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