I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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