if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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