Non-Jews are for practice
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize