He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
