update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize