I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
