I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
