I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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