Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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