I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
