i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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