she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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