I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
