Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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