1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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