I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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