forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
