so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
