Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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