I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize