I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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