the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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