my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
