this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish you could order shots online.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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