And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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