Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
