apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
