I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there's paper in my vomit.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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