Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
