my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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