the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
