Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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