someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
