even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They took my balls.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
