I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
