i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize