Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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