She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
