Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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