My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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