I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
In other news, I just burned my penis
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
