i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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