I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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