I just saw a hot homeless man
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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