right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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