Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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