i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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