god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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