I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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