it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm really busy with my period
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