I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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