I have demons in me.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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