I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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