There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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