i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
