You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
