look no pants
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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