A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
